Intro: I’ve been through some tough shit. At least that’s what I think. Been through depression, anxiety, self harm, suicidal thoughts and actions, starving and purging, bullying and abuse. I never thought I would be where I am now. It’s remarkable. So stay strong, life’s not impossible.
“The first cut is the deepest.”
The first cut is not the deepest. It’s just to test the waters. When you realize how the object works, the cuts get deeper. Self harm is anything that harms you. Not just cutting. But burning, punching, scratching, anything to harm yourself. Some self injure for attention, but others are hooked. It may be an escape for some. An escape from feelings and problems. It may be a punishment from your thoughts. It may be done to cope. Self harm is hard to stop.
Scars, specifically from self harm, show more than pain. They can tell a story of a painful life, a painful memory, a painful thought. Scars are a reminder of suffering. Whether it’d be from constant negative thoughts or feelings. You get stuck in your head and do the deed. It’s painful. Some scars also influence you into wanting more. Its difficult not to give in, but you do. Scars are hard to hide. In the winter you always wear sweaters. In the summer you always wear sweaters or long sleeves and many bracelets. People judge you. Sometimes make fun of you. It’s painful as well. Scars are a sign of sadness. With scars come pain.
why do I always resort to cutting? Why do I always cut when the going gets tough. I thought this was over. I’m addicted. I can’t go a day without doing it. I cut to keep grounded. To remind myself I’m in the now. I cut to punish myself because I deserve pain. I cut to feel something else. It’s wrong, I’m scared. But I can’t stop. I can’t.
Your problems never define who you are. It’s how you overcome it and get yourself back on your feet. Now that’s what defines you. That’s who you truly are.
i got so many dirty looks this weekend. so much judgement. all they notice are my scars.
i want to kill myself. i’ve been planning it for a while and have a date. it’s soon. i feel so terrible all the time. i sleep and take naps all the time, only because i know i will wake up forgetting what i felt. but the thoughts and feelings will flood back in minutes later. i want to die because i don’t see my worth in my family. everyone forgets me. my friends don’t give a shit and talk to me. im not important at all. i cry every night playing through scenarios. i cry because of the abuse my father put me through. i should do the world a favor and go. save some money from meds. fuck it.
But I’m not going to kill myself. the only person I’m living for is my mother. i asked her what she would’ve done if I killed myself last year. she said she would’ve gone to the hospital. i don’t want to do that to her. i don’t want to hurt her. so I’m doing it for her. I’m living for her.
This is my blog. This is the bare and raw truth of what goes on in my mind. Not fully but slightly. It has given me the clarity in life that I needed. In a way that no type of counseling can. It has helped me through suicidal episodes, cutting, self harm and self medication. It has help me find my sexuality. It has opened me up to the person I am, the person I dont want to be, and to the person I will be. I always speak the truth. I will always listen. I am here.
“Strange, isn’t it? Each man’s life touches so many other lives. When he isn’t around he leaves an awful hole, doesn’t he?”
- Clarence “It’s A Wonderful Life”
i suggest every person who is contemplating whether to take their life, watch “It’s a Wonderful Life”. it saved mine.